7 Levels of Self-Love
I was moved to write about self-love not only because self-loathing is a very common theme that comes up in my practice, but I too have grappled with what loving myself really meant while observing the same confusion in those around me. And we are not at fault for feeling lost about love. Many of us have been led astray by what society deems as loveable. And looking at Webster's Dictionary’s definition of love, we have to ask ourselves, “Who gets to do the defining?”
love
noun
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
sexual passion or desire.
verb (used with object), loved, lov·ing.
to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
The above definition will leave you thinking that love is all about feeling warm and fuzzy inside and/or wanting to have sex with someone. I have found that nothing could be further from the truth. I also believe that this is the very reason so many are either infatuated with a fairy tale version of romantic love or are practicing promiscuity in search of it. Consequently, I have spoken with hundreds of people who have either sworn off love altogether or are waiting indefinitely for their soulmate to receive it.
Waiting. To experience love. The very essence of who we are and accessible to us at all times. Yet millions suffer daily due to the belief that somebody else must love them in order for them to feel love. Or that they must spend copious amounts of money so they can prove their worth to others. And herein lies, what I refer to in my practices as, “The Unworthiness Trap” (TUT). The extent to which one becomes caught up in this trap includes thoughts like, “I’m not good enough, pretty enough, rich enough…” We can fill in the blank with just about anything. Thoughts of “I am not_____enough” creates clouds of illusion which distorts our perspective of self. Now while some may see this as simply low self-esteem, I have seen folks start off with a lack of confidence and end in death by suicide.
Now more than ever, we must begin to explore for ourselves what it means to love ourselves absent of what the world is selling. While it may sound cliche, “The Work Begins Within” is true. However; most of my clients have already heard this and what they want to know is how? I am the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers, but what I know for sure is that you can graciously grow into loving yourself more and more every day by taking deliberate action to do so.
Over the past 20 years in working with families (and on myself) I have developed a model I call the 7 levels of Self-Love that serves as a “Self-Care Treasure Tool” (with of course us being the treasure). The seven levels include Awareness, Appreciation, Acceptance, Acknowledgement, Alignment, Action, and Actualization. The strategies have elements backed by research and have proven to be effective. While this in no way is meant as a substitute in seeking professional support when needed, it can offer you a new way to begin defining love for yourself.
To avoid information overload and allow ample time for reflection, I will highlight the first two levels in this article, and add a shameless plug here for you to download the Align and Embrace app today so that you can be alerted when the others are posted. By the way, it’s 4:44 for my Aligners out there (y'all know who you are!).
Ok, so let's get to it starting with the first level of love which is Awareness. This, in my opinion, is the most important level of all because without it, how will we know we're in TUT? Every day the media depicts people walking around completely unaware of their destructive mindset. Some accept that “This is just who I am” while others justify their harmful behavior by blaming someone or something else for their actions. We do not have to live neurotically and it can cost us a lifetime of disappointment should we fail to be consciously self-aware.
Which is why I say that paying attention is priceless. Becoming keenly attuned to how our thinking is influencing our emotions and driving our behavior is well worth its weight in gold. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is widely used as a practice to help people start to think about what it is that they think about and name the associated emotion1.
As humans, we believe that we are deliberate thinkers, yet research shows us that over half of the thoughts we think every day are things we have already thought about. Meaning, we largely think on repeat, most of which is negative due to the brains’ negativity bias2. Furthermore, when thinking toxic thoughts over time, the parasympathetic part of our brain does not have time to do its job of resting and recovery, and instead remains stressed out in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Metaphysics demonstrates we attract what we think about, so watching what we think is as important as watching what we eat.
If you have ever heard the phrase, “Check yourself before you wreck yourself” then you have some idea of how critical it is for us to examine our state of being. Check in with yourself regularly throughout the day by asking, “What’s happening in me right now?” “Are my current thoughts/feelings serving me?”, “Am I worrying about something beyond my control?”, “Am I suffering because I feel I’ve been wronged and now have a need to be right?”, “What is it that I need right now?”
Questions like these help you to notice when you are out of alignment and can prevent an emotional collision. I refer to this process as, “Listen-In” and I encourage you to craft your own questions that resonate with you. Regardless of how you frame it, the bottom line is to become present with yourself so you can gather the internal data needed to be the Director of your destiny.
From here, my clients will say to me, “Ok. I Listened-In and I am completely aware of the (sadness, anxiety, rage, etc.) inside of me.” Now what? While they don’t always value my initial response, they later come to realize the power of Appreciation, which is the second level of love. When I invite folks to appreciate whatever feeling they are experiencing, the push back I am understandably met with is confusion around how to appreciate something that feels so awful?
First, expressing validation of their feelings is a critical part of the healing process. It confirms that emotions matter at which point they become curious about how gratitude plays a role in “Growing Forward.” Appreciation is an elixir for pain, and being grateful for our ability to be aware of our emotions empowers us to safely navigate life’s rough roads which we all inevitably have to face. Just as we are graciously reliant on Waze and other navigation systems that alert us of potential hazards, so should we be thankful for our natural gift of tuning in to ourselves to determine the direction we are headed.
The final, and most important point about Appreciation is the powerful vibration it has to attract to you more things to appreciate. As such, I encourage my clients who are managing anxiety or depression to look for any and everything to appreciate as many times per day as possible. It could be something as simple as being grateful for green grass or a pretty flower, birds chirping in the trees, a breath of fresh air, a cool glass of water, the wind on your face, or the way your pet misses you when you walk through the door.
The love that emanates from nature is a reflection of our inner being. Take a few seconds now to list 3 things that you appreciate at this moment. As you reflect on this and start to feel the good vibes flowing, keep it going for as long as possible and watch your world unfold.
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1David, D., Cristea, I., & Hofmann, S. G. (2018). Why Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Is the Current Gold Standard of Psychotherapy. Frontiers in psychiatry, 9, 4. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00004.
2Vaish, A., Grossmann, T., & Woodward, A. (2008). Not all emotions are created equal: the negativity bias in social-emotional development. Psychological Bulletin, 134(3), 383–403. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.3.383.